Is there a light at the end of the road?

Tunnel, Road, doesn't matter. I took this picture this week while we were on vacation in Brewster, MA. To the left of this road is the house that we stay in, which is Grandma's House (my Husband's Grandmother who passed away in 2004) . One of my favorite scene's is this one, and it happens at a certain time of day in the late afternoon and lasts only for about an hour or less every day as long as the sun is indeed out.
Cape Cod was certainly full of Sun in abundance during our stay this year. It was a beautiful time and we enjoyed our stay although I became sick halfway into it and returned a day earlier than planned so that I could get a Dr visit in on my Birthday, which is today. To be quite honest, I feel terrible today. I have strep throat, a fever, rashes, all kinds of fun things that were making me wonder just what the heck is going on. Unfortunately for me, they all just decided to occur at the same time. As my Dr. said, One Stop Shopping. So! Loaded down with lots of prescriptions I came home, took my meds and went to bed. Sometimes in Life, you just feel like everything is going against you. Key, word, Feels (and like) because just sometimes stuff happens in a long string. I am forcing myself to make the time to see the light at the end of the road...even if it is fleeting.
I do not want to discuss my string of negativity. I thought I did a few weeks ago, but some issues are better left to be private ones.
Now I am healing, my meds are working and my Hubby and my Daughter are making special plans for today to be very nice for me. I am blessed with lots of Love and goodness. Thanks be to God.

In The Summer

In The Summer...this is how I would like my life to be. I should like to go for a 3 or more mile walk in the early morning, come home, put on coffee and go into our little pool. I would like to straighten up our home, which would already be fairly straightened (ok, this is bordering on my 'summer miracle') Then arrange my beading or paints out on the deck and spend the rest of the morning and early afternoon doing either, then run whatever errands I need to, get dinner started, and have a glass of wine. It never turns out anywhere near that, but that is my ideal. I think I need to read different books. Happy Summer!

More.....

.....One of the things that I hope is not a theme here is death because it is what this post will be about as well. I totally recognize that death and life are hand and hand, but when friends are passing away from cancer on what seems to be a regular basis mortality doesn't seem so long lived right now..but I think it is how we should look at our days no matter our age. We don't though.
This person who passed away recently was not a good close friend, but she was a friend who I cared to see on the occasions that I did see her. I am not including her name, because she chose to not share her illness with some friends, me being one of them. I knew that she was ill, and did attempt to reach out to her some months ago but my offer was not accepted. I told her around 13 or so years ago to not think I am weird but that I thought she had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. It was true. They were the eyes of a lioness, and when you think of a lioness you think of her cubs as well, this woman with her lioness eyes had a fierce love of her children.
I will miss her. I saw her occasionally in the last 10 years out at stores, etc. We would talk and laugh. She had a great laugh. I remember fondly our 'party' times, out after work. There were not too many of those because she was very devoted to her kids and didn't want them with a sitter while she was out having fun. I do not think she wasted her life at all. I think she loved it, loved the kids and their lives in hers. I am sad, for her children most of all. I have a stanza of a Pat Benetar song that keeps rushing around my head while she is here in my thoughts;
"We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield"
Sadly, I really do not know anything about her life really. Why that song is relating to her at this time for me is a mystery. I will miss her. Safe passage....

Exclamation! point.

Today is blog day I think. April turned out to be quite a wonderful month and May , although it is early is looking to be as well. I was looking over my bio page on the ArtFire website, and then was looking over the blog for EPJ and had to laugh because so many of my comments-sentences end with an exclamation point. It made me think of my friend and work mate Sue Moehlmann who passed away 2 years ago. Sue and I worked for a bead store, we had a very interesting relationship. It started out as respectful, then it had a very long period of being tense. Sue was very particular and somewhat negative, I on the other hand will only put up with so much crap and then I let people know that they are not on my good side. For awhile the relationship did not work at all, but after time and trials we began to more fully appreciate each other. Sue was incredibly talented. Her bead work was stunning, her designs were original, and when she looked at a picture of something that someone else had done she rarely needed any kind of instruction to achieve what was represented and somehow she would improve on the design. Her observation of life in general was dryly hysterical. I wish she had written a book based on her view points, so many of them were the voice deep inside each of our heads that has the ability to pull from a subject matter the most hideous or odd thing and bring it to light which of course makes you laugh and there keeps you partially sane. We all have this voice, but normally we do not ever let it come out. Sue did, but she did it beautifully so it was Art.
Sue had a problem with using exclamation points in just about anything. I think exclamation points were too positive for her liking. Sometimes they are like yelling, (you know when people write EVERYTHING IN CAPS is like yelling, too many of these; !!!!!! has the same effect.) but I truly think for her it was the positive angle. I would show her copy for an up coming class announcement, or a schedule, a description of a sale. She would kindly look at it, her brow would raise, then relax and she would wave her long fingers over the piece of paper raise her eyebrows again while looking down her nose at the paper and ask me if all of the exclamation points were necessary. I never fought for the exclamation points, I learned to consider it a challenge to write copy without them. How, HOW do you persuade people to be interested in a class without exclamation points? Somehow you do if you are Sue. Her classes were always well attended.
I am fairly certain that I just wrote this WHOLE thing without using exclamation points except for the illustrative ones that I used earlier. Have a great Spring. Summer is only a month and some weeks away.
(still no exclamation points) Hmmmmmmm.

Saying Goodbye

3/21/11 The First Full Day Of Spring

I was not sure what my first post would be on this blog, when I made the gathering feathers blog in Feb I certainly did not think it would be a post in memory of friends. Although, I did want this blog to be more spiritual in nature so I guess this is appropriate.
Last week two of our friends went home to the Lord. Our friend Phil died last Sunday the 13th. He had been living in California for the past 10 years. I remember when he moved away, I remember feeling upset but knowing it would be good for HIM, not necessarily us (because of our selfish nature). I think it was a good move for him. I think he was happy there, he had made good friends and seemed to be doing things he enjoyed in life with people who shared his lifestyle. It was a shock to hear of his passing. He was always young of heart and spirit, and will forever be so in our memory of him.
Our other friend who passed on last week was Gary. He went home to the Lord on Wed the 16th. In contrast, while 10 years ago we said goodbye to a friend who was leaving for brighter circumstances our parting with Gary was not as positive almost 20 years ago. It was a parting over words, miffed feelings and no reconciliation. It was a parting that should not have happened...but it did. The reason it should not have happened was because he, his wife and my husband and I were very good friends. We treated each other as family, enjoyed our families together, holidays, good times and bad. Ironically we parted ways New Years Day 1993.
We were told by old neighbors about 2 or so years ago that Gary had cancer and was given a time frame. I remember becoming quite upset over this news, I had cried for a few days but really did not know how to handle a reconciliation. So, I didn't. Gary was on my mind quite a bit, as was his wife. I had been through being a wife of a man with cancer...but not one with a defined death sentence in his hand. Although my husband was near death 3 times during his 2 year ordeal I could not relate that to helping my friends who I had not seen for 15 years. Instead, I prayed for Gary and his wife. I prayed every day. I reluctantly looked at the Obits every day, I felt guilty every day for not calling..for being scared to call..all of this made me feel morbid and untrue to the friendship we had.
This past Fall, something wonderful happened. I saw Gary and Anne out at a local Farm Market with Gary's Father and his Sister. Knowing of the information I had received a year and a half earlier about Garry I was delighted to see him looking well. He looked like he had certainly been in a life battle, but he looked recovered. His demeanor was good. 2 more times in the following 2 months I would run in to both of them. We agreed to get in touch through FaceBook and Anne and I did finally in December after she confirmed my friend request. I found out very soon that she spent way less time on FaceBook than I did so we really did not talk or catch up but I knew she was there.
Around the Holidays she posted pictures of she and Gary from a Christmas party. They both looked so wonderful they were simply glowing. This, was to me a sign that he had beat the death sentence. I was elated over seeing the series of pictures. January, February. Once and awhile there would be pictures. Many of family, not many of Gary. I remember feeling alarmed about it one day, but pushed it back deciding I was being of morbid thought again. I did not call. I think I should have.
There is an admonition in the Bible that is uncomfortably important. That is simply, If there be anything between you and a friend-someone you love, get it out in the open and get over it. Forgive each other, get beyond whatever it is. Matthew 5:23-24 ²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
Today..I can tell you what this means to me. When you love people, truly love them they are forever in your heart. Things may happen, you part ways, the reasons for the parting fades, within your heart you forgive or ask forgiveness. But, the separation is still there. Whatever gift of friendship, whatever offer of love, whatever help I could have given was lost, never to retrieve the moment to be there for a friend. Never.
But! even in this sadness I can say God IS Good! I did not fully embrace what God did in the Fall, even though I recognized seeing Anne and Gary as God's hand I did not see fully the potential of what He was doing. God gave an opportunity, I admit, I totally missed it. And He gave it not once, but three times.
Today we said goodbye to a friend of our youth. A man who was great with the kids when we would lose our patience. A man who enjoyed cooking and grilling, who loved his Wife and baseball, a man who was dedicated to his Church and his Faith. A man who worked very hard with his wife and they were smart, buying their house when they were quite young, and then worked hard on that. A man who loved his immediate family and his extended family. A man who we shared many laughs with, many beers with, who, with his wife welcomed our friendship as a family member. He is a man who we have missed being in the company of for 18 years and will not have the chance to again on this Earth. God Willing our reconciliation will be given in Heaven when our time arrives.
I will try to set things right to amend what has been broken. A time to Scatter, a Time to Gather... Ecclesiastes 3:1-15. There is a time for every season under Heaven. My Spirit ear is imagining rejoicing and laughter in Heaven as Gary is welcomed there. I thank you God for Love and good memories, and the hope that I will talk to Anne very soon.