My Momma ~ good fashion ~ and bad times.

Peasant Blouse

       I am thinking a lot about my Momma. I am thinking about how she was when I was younger. I am thinking about the way she regarded me, and perhaps what ideals she may have held for me, her oldest daughter.
       I grew up in the '70's. Born in 1960. Our life, my brother Sister and I was one of confusing turmoil. Our Father, beat our Mother. Regularly.
       I remember, that I was always upset with her for not standing up for herself. I always thought she was weak, and I also thought she did not care about us. I could not have been more wrong, on all counts.
       My Mom, she had a lot of class, along with a great sense of good fashion. I was an overweight self depreciating teen. I hated myself. I hated everything. Now, I know that what I hated most was that a weekend didn't go by that our Father did not demean our Mother in some way. AS a child, yeah, even an old child who grew up with it there is some form of accountability, guilt, shame, etc associated with growing up this way. I do not know how she felt,. she never said, we never ever talked about what happened to her. She never asked me how I felt about it, she never acknowledged that yes... the night before he cracked a chair over her head and hit her till she hid under the table. What she did instead was, while kids my age were buying and wearing cheap frocks from India making them all the rage, we went to a beautiful boutique uptown and she bought for me to wear fine peasant blouses crafted in cotton gauze's and finely tatted bodices. When I wanted the ski vest that everyone was wearing she looked at them and felt they looked like the Michelin Man... gauging how terrible I would look in such a thing and mail ordered a REAL Ski vest by Aspen IN my school colors that was so unbelievably gorgeous that I never felt bad about not wearing exactly what the other gals were. 
        All of my clothing was ordered from JC Penney and it all fit perfectly and looked wonderful. I was not allowed to have the status Quo... I had to have the best and that was that. 
       For a short time my Mom and Dad were hanging out with different people.  Charlie and Ruth Noller. I will never forget them. There was a respite from the hitting, and there was a nice little honeymoon time. They started going out to dinners, and they went to NYC to go to see Pippin. I remember when My Mom was looking for the perfect dress... there was a gorgeous boutique in the next town over. She bought 2 halter dresses, long dresses that had medallions in the solar plexus area. One dress was a tie dyed mermaid hued gown in velvet, the other a tiny floral print in earth tones in a rayon type material. She looked absolutely stunning in them, and she got to use them several times... happily. During this time, I was taking Chorus in school. I was very upbeat about it, I loved it! My Mother knew I loved to sing (since I was quite young... having memorized the entire soundtrack of Mary Poppins and keeping pace and pitch with it's entirety) She began to buy for me gowns for performances. I had several simply beautiful ones. I would wear them for a performance, but always made sure I used them for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
       During that crucial time of teenaged dome... the beatings began again. She withdrew into herself. I blamed her even more for what was happening.
       It was never her fault. However she reacted, what ever she did or didn't do. It was never her fault. I have forgiven myself.. but I still feel ashamed for having given her more grief on top of what she felt she could not handle already. I love my Mother so much. 
  Peasant Blouse pictured above.