My Husband, He died. 

On our 33rd Wedding Anniversary. In July.

Everything is hard. Seems hard. 

It got a bit easier to grasp, to deal with as things began to open back up... to see friends... to go to Church... but now they are closing back up again. 

Our Governor was yelling at a reporter today... the reporter asked very good questions about the closing back up again.

A lady who lives across the street from my Daughter was found dead today. Her Husband died less than a month ago. She was in her 70's. Isolated. Covid for your health. Did she kill herself? We do not know yet. 

The death ratio is far less than even the common flu. 

Yet, we are barraged by this... and mandatory things they are wanting to put on us during this... and prolonging this. It is real... but... still.....  

It made my Husbands last time in the hospital horrible. Already extreme restricted visiting hours... and he had 3 Covid tests for 3 different hospitalizations June to July. The last test, they took forever to come back with the result. I think that they thought he was going to die in the hospital...and I think that the plan was to mark him as a Covid death. 

I feel tired. And very sad.

My heart breaks for a woman who lives across the street from my daughter... someone who I do not know. 

My heart breaks for the elderly who have been forced by family members to be alone because the government told them to be. The restrictions being declared over who you may have in your home for the Holidays. The Fear being dumped. 

Are we Americans? Or something else. 

Whatever it is... I certainly do not like it. 

I cried tonight.
Just a little bit.
I still.... can't believe what is happening here.
Even though I do.
But... the trajectory of this whole... scenario....
My life. My Husbands Life.
And... I doubt myself...
My intentions... my SELF... My Every THING.
A little ptsd... and I truly hate to think of these feelings this way but so many ways I feel brings me back 20 years.,
Uncertain.
Unloved.
I feel like my husband is just going to wake up through his pain and say... NO! YOU are not who I wanted to have with me the rest of my life!
While I beg for his life.
And accept this may be his end of life.
And prepare.
And prepare.
Prepare for Death.
Prepare for Life.
And feel....
there IS life.
He HAS Life.
I have Life.
We are Life.
God help us through this Life.
However long.
However Short.
Help me sort out this funny brain of mine....
Help me be ME... In YOU.
Help me Lord, Please.
Help me to help him.
Help me to be a good Wife.
Please.

Happy Valentines Day.
A day late.
We had such a nice Valentine's Day together though... my Hubby and I! I savored it!
He is not really eating too much... but is eating more than he was last month.
Yesterday I asked him if he could handle Stouffers Lasagna (He always likes that if I am not making it from scratch) it is just good comfort food sometimes, and easy. I get for myself the Amy's GF vegetable Lasagna. He felt he could handle some. I got that... got some Baileys Strawberry and Cream... that is a very good Valentine treat! We had our little cocktail, watched TV, ate our pasta and laughed about things. It was very nice. He ate the Valentine cupcake I got for him too.
Today... was a very different kind of day. He was tired all through the day and just not with it.  Our kids came over for dinner with their spouses... we were all tired it seemed but we all had a very good time. A blessed kind of day for sure.
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I was actually cleaning today.
So glad I did.
My brain gets very foggy in caregiving mode... I am very focused on my husbands needs... and paying attention to the details of life is not too important.
Last week, 2 of my Cousins came over to bring food for us...
I realized at that moment that I need to pay attention to our home.
I saw part of what they may have seen through their eyes... and today I spent considerable time cleaning. I realized that last year... I did not do a Spring Clean.... because I was stressed.
In October. I did not do the "Spring/Fall" cleaning.... because I was stressed....
So I found many Easter Eggs of grime today.
I felt much better after having tackled a few areas... they seem like hidden ones... but they are not. Only hidden from our stress filled eyes.
Threw out a lot of stuff as well... and then got a bit of organizing accomplished too.

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Yesterday I walked 1.83 miles.
It felt good.
I had not walked for a month.
Not good. I had promised myself to walk regularly... and did very well with it for the first half of January.... but.... Dr appointments, treatment appointments, surprise Dr appointments ... I let it all get the best of my intentions. Stress, again.
Hopefully I will get out for a nice walk tomorrow.
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This morning I had planned to open up my Bible and delve in to it with the aid of several Devotionals that I follow. Another exercise that fell by the wayside the last half of January for the same reasons. I cheated instead and let my hand find a verse... and felt the force of it though.
Nehemiah 1:11

11 Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.”

I was cupbearer to the king.

Now... because of Jesus... we are ALL (In Christ)  Cupbearers to the King. I felt that this is a good verse to know... such as the very popular verse in Jeremiah 29:11... The Prayer of Jabez...  a reassurance... this prayer from Nehemiah though... is even more important.... 

I cheated in the Devotional department today...and God really taught my heart a thing or two in my cheating. 

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For dinner tonight... I had planned to put boneless chicken thighs in to the crock pot with Sweet Baby Rays sauce. 

Instead I layered the thighs with toasted sesame oil, sweet chili sauce, pepper, garlic powder.... baked it.

Very good.

Even hubby ate some. 

Rice, Green Beans with onion and mushroom....

strawberries with chocolate sauce afterward.

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I am very fortunate to have our children be close at heart to us,and close in proximity to us as well. Seeing them is a boost to my Husband and I, and being able to have them gather here for dinner gives me a very blessed joy. My Husband loves having them here as well. He may be dozing in his chair, or just snuggled in but he basks in the warmth of their presence. 

Sometimes... I have to drop heavy hints to get them (all, at once ) here... and pray. This happened tonight by accident... although I had been hoping and praying for it for at least 2 weeks. Having most of them here together is such a good thing. Our middle daughter has made it a priority to come over during the day... she spends time with me and her Father. Her schedule allows for this. The other children are not as lucky to have such a schedule... and the other ones are still in the process of finding their place in our new position in Life... living with cancer.  We all deal with this differently. Pray for your children while respecting their manner in which they are dealing with what is happening. Talk to them.  It is all hard... but it is made easier by it being hard while standing together. 

 Blogs are kind of like strange memoirs for people who feel they can not write.

I am going to memoir it up here I have decided.

The name I chose for this blog.... 9 years ago

 Gathering Feathers ~ Scattering Stones....Means something to me spiritually... and live life-ely
 So far, I have written a lot about death and loss, redemption and Rebirth....
Gathering Feathers.... gathering the emotions of hurt left behind and making peace with it, as well as the feathers of those I love who have passed away.
Scattering stones...addressing those issues, creating with stones, loving the things that God put on the Earth.

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My Mother gave birth to me on her Sister's 25th Birthday.
It was a hot August day.
My Mother smoked a carton of Pall Mall Menthol cigarettes during her labor with me.
She told me that my Aunt, My Uncle and my Father were all outside of the window where she spent her labor, my Aunt yelling in to her to hurry it up and birth me because she was going to miss giving her her birthday present. I think my Mother gave birth to me at 11:30 pm. She made it.
I loved my Aunt and my Aunt loved me.
A year after I was born she gave birth to her own little girl... Anne.
We spent so much time together, it was as if we were sisters who didn't live with each other.
We were very close throughout our lives.
Shared the typical joys and heartaches, distanced ourselves from each other, Drawn back to each other, to distance again.... but always had such a tight bond. Our own siblings also had tight bonds with each other...it was very cool that when one of our Mom's was pregnant, the other followed on her heels... so we are matched sets of Cousins basically.... 3 sets for 3 ages.
My Brother lost the other half of his match almost 4 years ago to cancer.
I lost my other half, my Anne this past December. Cancer.
20 days after she passed away my Husband was diagnosed with Stage IV Renal Cancer.

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And so begins a memoir of a very unimportant person.
Me.

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I think that what I will do with this is share a photo of what I created today... and describe what I made to eat.
My Husband is currently very ill with renal cancer... but he is doing well.
I love to cook, but that has taken a back seat because he is not loving to eat right now.
He has lost a lot of weight.
The Dr put him on an appetite stimulant... he takes it sparingly.
The night before last he told me... "Guess what I am craving!" I said... 'what? " He tells me, " I am craving Corned Beef Hash, the kind in a can. I think the name on the can is Hormel"
Well. as soon as he said it... I saw the can label in my mind and went down to the store to buy a can of it.
I heated it up in a pan.
He ate half the can.
Last night, I fried up the other half for him AND he wanted a fried egg on top.
We are making progress.

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And so begins the sharing of Our Journey...
The Caregiver who loves her Husband who is trying to get well.

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I made this Tree Of Life today.
It is Copper Wire sculpted over a little lovely slab of moss agate.
I quite like it.
So does my Husband.
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Words of Life for today;

This is the Day that the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

September smells so good, someone should make a mans cologne out of it. A little tiny mix of gasoline scent on there too.
Was thinking of my Father as I mowed. He smelled of September, with some gasoline mixed in there. Made me miss him.
He was a jerk to my Mom, and had terrible character because he was so messed up in his head... but deep inside there was an incredibly awesome person and I loved his deep inside self.
Alcohol and dysfunctional upbringing create surface monsters.
We are amazing beings, that we can love despite the shortcomings and failures of those around us... including ourselves.
I think of our Father God Whose love capacity puts ours to shame. I am humbled and grateful.
Crappy things happen.
Love anyway.
I really love the aroma of September. 
❤️  

To Thine Own Self Be True

That time when you were a kid, and you knew in your heart of hearts that you would meet David Cassidy SOMEDAY.

And, then you did. Over 40 years later. But, you did. 

And, you were just so impressed by the kindness of this man. Because, you knew in your heart that he had been raked over the coals for profit, and you had an idea that he was bought and paid for by a scary media machine.. but that is kind of like a conspiracy theory, right? I mean.... who in your life who loved you would allow you to be used this way! 

And your friends... they kind of laugh at you that you went to see him a SECOND time... that you had seen him years earlier... that should have been enough, right? I mean... HAHA.... David Cassidy. And, all the explaining about how good a show he was doing had no bearing on the conversation you were trying to defend. 

How much he loved his Art.... and he had his Art his Talent... his great influences... the artists who he loved, who loved him as well. John Lennon, BB King.... 

His band... comprised of people who respected his artistic ability, sense... who cared deeply for him, and he for them. Having just listened to the new release "Songs My Father Taught Me" it is so evident the respect these people had for him. The shows I saw of his in these later years translate that family feeling as well. 

A man in his element. 

A man not in his element. Used, controlled, and kept in a cage. Never allowed to express his talent. Later, he performed on his terms but the demons had already done their damage...and they are hard to shake when they appear as the ones who should be looking out for your better interest. 

I am shaken by the A&E Biography presented last night about David Cassidy. Not because I am surprised, but because what he went through as a human being was much more tragic than I had imagined... and what I had imagined was pretty bad. 

The work he had been doing these past 10 - 15 years seem to be a reconciliation of what could have been... and should have served as an acknowledgement of his talent. As fans... we should have honored him... not by telling him we loved him so much, and that we wanted to hear "I Think I Love You".... but by what he was putting out. He was putting out himself. And it was pretty awesome. 

The show I had seen in . 2011 or 2012 was a beginning... it was like seeing him making peace with the previous 40 or so years of his life... he honored the series which made him famous, his co-stars, his step mother, his Father, he dipped his toes into his true musical loves but he did not jump in. He referred much to his Mother, Evelyn Ward... sharing his pain in her illness. He shared his love of Family... his marriage, his son. One thing that bothered me greatly about this show in particular was that there were way too many women of my age and older who were sporting the peacock hair and cat suit like wardrobe of the '70s , like they had never grown up.. still stuck in mullet land.... looking for something. He actually had to be whisked off from this show... and I was stunned that at his age of 61 or 62 that this would have to be something still clinging to him.... it was scary and highly disturbing. 

2016, it was as if he had found his groove in being honest with himself out there on stage... he shared about his inspirations, his friendships... the show delved into his history of life. His musical history. His talent was exposed, and it was wonderful! 

I kept wondering later on... what event happened in his life from June of 2016 to February 2017 to have caused this hard slide back into the slime of regret and hurt. We will never know, and it is not for us to know. But, there is something to be learned here. Honor, those you love. That means honoring their life. Build them up, don't break them down. Love them unconditionally. Pray for them. Be kind. Always. Be kind. Pray. Seek God and Pray.

Maybe I am so bothered because I grew up hard. My father was hard... he was not a builder up, he was a destroyer... and I loved him. I loved him so very much, because when he was not destroying he was a pretty cool guy. every body loved my Father. In my own life, I reacted early on to others by repeating that destruction.... but quickly learned that hurting others was not a vehicle I wanted to use to make myself feel better. Because it didn't. 

I spoke for awhile with my eldest daughter today on the phone. We spoke about generational sin, what that means... what it is when we repeat the sins of our fathers... or mothers.. exactly that. Not some hokus pocus bestowed on us by God... but sin we have chosen to transgress in to our psyche... and having an excuse for it. How many generations it can go before someone in that line says... "STOP"!!!!

 David Cassidy... the last year of his life reminds me of a culmination of what happens when we do not let it go.... let it eat us. How many times... do we step out of our wheel but find ourselves thrown back into it? Today, I want to encourage you to step out. Break the cycle. Break the sin. It is what is required of us. No matter who we are. 

I am going to miss this guy. 

Rest In Peace David.

Thank you. 

These photos were taken by me at a David Cassidy concert in June of 2016. As far as I was aware, there were no copyright advisories, warnings... etc. 

Brushing Off The Storm of Inner Negativity

The Storms of Life can make us feeling angry, disillusioned, and betrayed when there seems to be no one who understands and who maybe does not want to understand. 

This photo was taken during a recent winter storm here in the Hudson Valley of NY. Even through ugliness, there is beauty to be found. 

Through the storms of life, we are able to define our friendships and fine tune our future goals. 

Change, is never easy but it brings forth good things.

It also compells us to sweep the cobwebs, do some inner Spring cleaning, get us ready for Summer. 

thank you Lord for Storms.